Washington, D.C. — Forget debates! President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump have decided to settle the election with a golf match. Yes, you heard that right. These two seasoned politicians are heading to the green to duke it out in what’s being hilariously dubbed the “Geriatric Golf Grudge Match.”
Set to take place at the exclusive Mar-a-Lago Golf Club, with Trump enjoying home-course advantage, the event promises to be a spectacle like no other. Imagine “The Golden Girls” meets “Caddyshack,” but slower, much slower, Sleepy Joe slow. The anticipated sellout crowd will be buzzing, ready for a display of geriatric athletic skill that’s sure to be as thrilling as watching paint dry.
Spectators can expect Biden to step up to the first tee, undoubtably rocking his aviators and trying to look steady as he claims a negative 68 handicap. The audience will hold its breath as he swings, managing an average 30-yard drive. Biden, ever the optimist, will give a thumbs-up to the tree to his left thinking that it’s his uncle Sal who played on the PGA and died in 1908.
Then it will be Trump’s turn. With the confidence of someone who’s already tweeted about his win, Trump will strut to the tee. He’ll swing with all his might, and the ball might actually fly! Not quite a 300-yard shot, but definitely better than Biden’s. Trump will grin, sipping a Diet Coke handed to him by his caddy, soaking in the cheers. KJP will hand Biden a sippy cup concoction of Powerade Moutain Blueberry, prune juice, and ephedra to get him over the bridge to the next green.
By the 4th hole, Trump will be huffing and puffing. Biden, unfazed by his surroundings, might wander off looking for lost golf balls, driving his Secret Service detail to distraction. His inability to hit the ball far will obviously allow Trump to pull ahead. Biden will boast that when they reach the final hole, number 7, he will win the match.
In the end, the score won’t matter. What will count is the hilarious sight of these two elders battling it out with one ball and a stick. If there is any greater test of mental acuity than golf, it remains to be seen.
Who will win this ultimate golf match? It might not matter, but one thing’s for sure: the Geriatric Golf Grudge Match is set to be the political event of the century.